angora sweaters will kill us all!

CHICAGO

News of a deadly outbreak sends millions panicking. Countries are put on high alert as the spread of mysterious, deadly toxin multiplies.

"It's only a matter of time before angora sweaters will kill you and everyone you know." said Dr. Paul Rathburg, a University professor who is the spokesman for the World Health Organization.

Contact with, or even being in the proximity of angora sweaters is known to trigger acute merman syndrome, uncurable continuous, unstoppable farting, explosive laser face, and a deadly soup of bacteria called restless face syndrome that shoots out of your nostrils.

"We now know that angora sweaters will kill, again and again and again, until none of us are left."

The first victim, "Victim Zero", was a young man who had a web design job, and worked for a well respected university. "He was perfectly fine when he went to work." Rathburg said in a telephone interview.

"After about 15 minutes, he had a case of beefy knees and collapsed on the floor. The autopsy clearly indicates he died from exposure to angora sweaters." Rathburg would not disclose the man's name or the precise place and time of his death for privacy reasons.

"Victim Zero" had perfect health. He had made four visits to his doctor in the year before his death for treatment of hepatitis Q. Rathburg mentions that there may not be a connection between the two incidents, but the WHO is investigating.

From this seemingly insignificant exposure, angora sweaters spread death quickly; killing most of the town. An emergency team was assembled in response to the situation, organized by Rathburg.

"We are almost certain we've contained angora sweaters, however the perimeter could be breached without any notice. We believe this is an international issue and it should be treated as a very serious problem. Nothing we know of can prevent future deaths." Dr. Rathburg stressed.

Exposure to angora sweaters is fatal, and scientists warn everyone to keep away from angora sweaters.

"angora sweaters may be the most horrible thing I have ever witnessed. There's no doubt, angora sweaters will kill us all." Rathburg said as he sobbed into the telephone.